Eyes for Loopholes

My parents went on a semi-vacation on Thursday. It is only a semi-vacation because they're going to be doing more wedding planning than relaxing. At least, I think that's what is going to happen. I might be wrong. It's happened before.

Since they've been gone I've done many things, and I feel the need to record them there, because I'm bored (which hasn't really, truly happened since....high school I think) and I need someone to talk to. Blogger, you shall be my data dump receptacle. Yay!

My parents left Thursday night, right after I left to go to a Bible Study, er, book study. We were talking about God, but I don't think Bibles were involved. Which is strange. But whatever. Perhaps we had hidden His word in our hearts. (hahahaha, bad Christian joke!) I didn't want to leave the book study because I knew that when I came home I would be all alone in this big house. By myself. With no one to talk to. Except for a cat, but Madeline isn't much of a conversationalist. She's more of a manipulator really. Pet me or your hand will experience pain beyond anything you can imagine. But I came home because everyone else left the book study and I didn't want to just glom onto the Turner family and become their fourth daughter. And so I was bored.

And then Friday rolled around. I was really excited because that evening there was a movie night planned at CCR, which meant that there would be PEOPLE to be with! Hurray! So I made snickerdoodles, because baking is what I do best (unless it's chocolate chip cookies. I can't get those right). I made a double recipe, because no one wants to run out of snickerdoodles. The janitor and custodian for my church live right next door to the buildings and are usually the ones who open and close at events. But this week they're also on vacation, so the task of opening and closing was left up to me. I packed up my snickdoodles, a few games, a couple of Disney movies, and headed over to the church. When I got there the time was 7:45. I opened everything up and waiting until 8, the designated time for people to start showing up, ready for some sweet snickerdoodle lovin'! But no one came. 8:10--No one here. 8:15--No one here. 8:20--No one here. At 8:30 I packed all my goodies up and started my car. Thank you faithful church members for showing up. I appreciate driving 15 minutes to the church and baking five dozen snickerdoodles for ghosts. Yay!

So is church ministry. Everyone gets really excited about a certain event, but then forget about it when the event is supposed to happen. Unless a specific person is in charge and calling everyone reminding them to come, chances are the event is going to flop. No biggie. God is love. He gives me love so that I can love you. :D

Now I had five dozen snickeroodles and no one to share them with. I most certainly didn't want to go home. I also had a problem because the people that I normally would call up to share snickerdoodles with were either at Riverlakes with their youth, or at Niles doing some really cool water night. (I was kind of bummed that I had to miss out on that. And let's be honest, I was even more bummed when no one showed up the movie night and I realized that I might have been able to go. But then, as I said before, so is ministry. And really, I wouldn't have it any other way. How else would God teach me patience and unconditional love if everything went as planned all the time?) So I called up a friend who I thought might be home and asked if she wanted some snickerdoodles. She did....sort of. And as I was driving toward her house I thought to myself: I can be the snickerdoodle fairy! (As Kayti told me when I got to her house, I was performing random acts of baking. Which is cute. Kayti is always coming up with hilarious and cute things like that.) I dropped off some snickerdoodles and looked through my phone and realized that I don't have very many phone numbers. Lame. But I did have Natalie's, whcih was fortunate, because I got to spend a lot of time with her and her precious puppy who I love. I love Natalie too. Really, I do. That was a good night as far as loneliness goes. I wasn't lonely, and that was good for me.

And Natalie let me borrow her copy of The Princess Bride, which came in handy the next day.

On Saturday, I read The Princess Bride. The whole thing, all day long, on various couches and chairs in my house. Sometimes I stood up and read it, because the fencing scenes are just too good to take sitting down.

There was one point in the day when I went over to Berean to find some books about games for groups. I also found some books that thoroughly convicted me. (Thank you God.)

Here's the truth: I don't ever feel like I'm cut out for youth ministry. I love it, but I don't know why, because most of what I have to do scares the living daylights out of me. Go talk to the kids about Jesus, and FREAK OUT before you do it. Go talk to their parents about camp, and FREAK OUT before you do it. Go show them how much you love Jesus, and FREAK OUT before, and while you do it. Those are only just three of the many situations I find myself freaking out about. But really, there's no go reason to freak out. Because of God. Because God knows my weak heart and will inside and out, and he also knows that my heart and will have nothing to do with youth learning about how much Jesus loves them. God lifts me up, I don't lift Him up. But I have to stop clutching at hand holds and allow him to keep lifting me up higher and higher and higher.

That is such a hard lesson for me to grasp and get into my head. It has taken me awhile to be very vulnerable with God, to come to the point where I just flat out admitted to Him what I know I'm bad at and the things that I don't measure up to. And apparently God has enough power and greatness to be strong in my stupidity and silliness. I don't know how He does this with my mess, but He does. He's amazing. He can do anything. He can resurrect Himself. I don't think I need to be worrying about anything if He can resurrect Hemself from death.

I've been thinking about loneliness for the past two days (for obvious reasons...) and I know that I need other people so desparately. I can't live alone, I would become ridiculous. If I were single for the rest of my life, I'd still have to have a roommate or something. Living alone is the most awful thing on the planet. Sure, it seems nice when you think about it, especially when everyone you live with is getting on your nerves. But ultimately the affirmation that people CAN live with you is nice to get everyday. Sometimes we don't always want to live with each other, but the ability to live with one another is great! I don't know how I got to this point of loving people and community so much. God must have changed my mind, because when I was in high school I hated being around people. I'm done with that now. My two days alone have shown me that.

On the flip side, when I am lonely I talk to God a lot more. There is more time to think about prayer and people who have needs I can meet when I am alone for a little while.

To cap off this rambly message here are some things God has been teaching me today, yesterday, and the day before that:

a) I need God so much. My life is silliness without Him. He makes me feel so content and satisfied and....good.

b) Jesus' resurrection is SO important! And so is His death. Growing up in church teaches you to take his death and resurrection for granted. If Jesus wasn't resurrected, then His death means nothing; He's just another guy that died a cruel death. But He's alive, death is conquered, there is no more fear. :D Makes me bubbly inside.

c) God must have all of me. Fears, weaknesses, desires, money, vulnerability, plans, obedience, EVERYTHING. Freaky isn't it? Yes. Yes it is.