Eh....not really. I now present, for anyone who might be reading this, a very humble, rough little poem of 30 lines. I'm very dissatisfied with my progress so far and I have no idea what else to do with it besides pitch it out the window, sacrifice it to the rain, and start over. Unfortunately it's due tomorrow and I want to go to sleep. If you can bring yourself to read to the end of it, tell me how you really feel. Really. Just follow two guidelines: be constructive and no ad hominen attacks please.
Untitled
That June day began with a tense train ride.
I sat alone in one of two scratchy seats
While stifling pain marched down my chest.
I read a book as I went to meet him.
God was on my side, I was sure of it.
The chitchat going on to my left was
As vulgar as the Pope in a Speedo.
A man hitting on a girl: The beginning
Of what, soon, I was about to end.
Hanford, Corcoran, Fresno. One, two, three
Stops reeking hugely of cigarette smoke and
Unwashed, tear stained children holding hands with
Walking welfare checks who “No hablo ingles.”
My heart was calm as a threatened bruin,
But I was fine. Finer than frog’s hair
After a tumble into a sink of Rogaine.
While men and women held hands down the aisle
Looking for some seat to snuggle in,
I pulled my hood up and could not sleep.
The well-used devotional lay on the tray.
It gazed at me with the time tested eyes
Of my all-seeing, all-strong rest-less God.
I ignored it and would not open my eyes.
My soul would have no such window today.
The lively metropolis of Merced appeared
And then I looked out the window to see
Where my boyfriend was among the crowd,
But I only saw my own scared image,
Begging me with edgy eyes to miss Merced
And find peace in Lodi or San Jose.
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2 comments:
I really love this poem, but there's one thing that bothers me. It seems like the character has made up her mind in rejecting God that day, but the ending suggests the conflict is unresolved. I guess it just seems like there should be a relationship there, and maybe I'm one of those readers who tries to take more than what's actually there.
I don't quite understand exactly what you're saying. After rereading it with what you had in mind, however, I do realize that at first I talk about God being on my side and then I reject his view into my soul....which is confusing.
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